I came across this article showing some very sexy not so futuristic weaponry being developed in the 200lb think tanks in America. Cool story bro, but I can’t wait to see these beasts work after a 21 year old Lance Corporal Marine gets ahold of them, spills ham slice MRE juice on them, wipes his Copen Hagen spit off of them, or how they work after being in harsh conditions like that of Afghanistan with moon dust dirt everywhere. I'm going to bet, the 200lb brain engineers didn't grunt proof these new gadgets…..big mistake…..huge.
I think, they should hire the same young Marines to develop the next generation of weapons that would survive the initial contact of our young Marines and let them use them (remember, if it works, it isn't dumb). Some of them may include:
The pointed stick – The Pointed stick is very deadly due to its ability to be found in such common household places such as in your bag or on a tree, land nav courses and formation parking lots. PLEASE DO NOT APPROACH SHARPENED STICKS IN THE WILD AS THEY MAY BEAT YOU TO DEATH, Instead, pull the lever that releases the 16 ton weight. Or release the tiger. If you don’t have either, run.
The exploding tree-Just when you think you've got a perfect place to hide… KA-BLOOM!!! Nature's "best friend" just exploded in your face. This weapon is also perfect for getting rid of those idiot tree huggers, as well as any squirrels you may encounter.
Ninja assault nuns -Everyone knows that nuns are secretly kick-ass ninjas. Thanks to the Sound of Music, we know that all Austrian nuns were trained in ninjitsu to fight the Nazis in the Second World War. What is not commonly known, however, is that for years now the Vatican has been training an elite squad of ninja assault nuns. This genetically modified super-nuns are produced from a combination of the Virgin Mary, Jenovah and Fraulein Maria, producing the ultimate ninja assault nuns. Ninja assault are not just stealthy – they are also armed with ninja assault rifles that shoot 5 million high explosive anthrax nuclear h-bomb katana swords every thirty seconds. They can also be subtle, and wear the razor-blade habit and a shuriken cross around their neck. Just one ninja nun can take on 500 pirates, 16000 Nazis, 24 million American troops or 564.52134958758009990809 gabillion Soviet conscripts, just as Fraulein Maria did in the final battle of the Sound of Music. Even if you manage to derobe and disarm a ninja assault nun, their deadly martial-arts skills enable them to cut you apart with their bare hands, bene Gesserit Style. Thankfully, due to an unfortunate time loop with a parallel universe, the ninja assault nun does not exist yet. They can, however, be bought on Ebay.
Cloned Armored Raptors–You get a dozen or so cloned velociraptors, slap on some protective armor and unleash them in the battlefield of your choice. These vicious little predators will hunt down your enemy for you and eviscerate them with their razor toe claws, or at least rip out their jugulars. The armor is to help even the playing field if your enemy has weapons like a dolphin gun, Armed Monkeys or Arctic Monkeys. If they get killed no big deal, you just clone some more. Along with these are the trunk monkey. Very dangerous when combined.
"laser cats" Just think, your in Helmand Province and see this cute little kitten or a thousand, come over the hill side. What could be dangerous about that? Then, they attack!! Even though, the young Marines will be too busy trying to play with the kittens and probably will end up either betting on which one of the platoon kittens is more bad ass as they launch their lasers at the each other or while teasing the heavily armed kittens, they will accidently ignite the local fuel farm just as the deadly weapon kitty has had enough of the Marines shit. Just sayin…..you know its true. We all know, the only thing that would repel an onslaught attack of hordes of attack kittens is the XD-11 reflective belt.
XD-11 Glow belt Although usually loudly criticized if not worn in the middle of combat bases and IED attacks, these new XD-11s are infused with the same stuff they put in women's hairspray (nasty shit) and the souls of NJPd specialists. They will repel not only the hoards of N. Koreans coming across the boarder and laser cats, they will put a smile on every First Sergeants face when he sees you walking to the US Army's Green Bean coffee shop on their elaborate base. Safe and multi purpose. Man the US Army is savvy….who knew?
Some other items that would also aide the young Marines but aren’t necessarily weapons include
-Copenhagen & of course cigars
-Body armor that doesn’t weigh a shit ton and smell like a men’s room of a YMCA after wearing it for seven months.
-Any foot powder that prevents your fellow Marines feet from smelling like holy ass and that doesn’t turn to clumps of some sort of unknown mysterious byproduct between your toes.
-An actual vent installed on the top of porta johns. I get it, they are nasty. They are really nasty in places like Ramadi Iraq in the 120-degree weather and when they haven’t been dumped in about a month. Seriously, how much could a real vent cost? Much less than anything DARPA is developing I’m sure.
-Toilet paper. Seriously, no normal human can possibly use the small package of TP included in an MRE package. This inventor obviously had a sick sense of humor.
No raptors, monkeys, kittens or tree huggers were harmed in the writing of this post…….
Time for a C-Gar