Ok ladies, Fathers Day is approaching and let me just start out by saying finger painted pictures, cards, nail clippers and ties are fine but honestly, does your guy really need/want these? Disclaimer: If your kids are young, finger paints are cool cause those Monkeys will grow up too fast and yes, you will want them to always think your “The Man” when they give you your finger painted macaroni necklace, enjoy it, it doesn’t last.
If your “Dad” is a bit well let’s say “soft” below are a few items to help harden him up and guess what, its good shit he can actually use. If he doesn’t have them, then he will be forced to use them and harden up a bit anyway.
Most of the items below are field tested and Major approved cause I use them or have them so I won’t feed you a line of shit and no, (I wish) but I’m not getting any kind of endorsement from any of these companies. Cryin shame huh?
- Battery operated Drill – This baby can be used for a million uses and can take a beating. They fix everything from bikes to 650 Holly carburetors, can be thrown at rats ( I have two kills with mine) and trust me, they last. I recommend DWALT http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002RLR0EY/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B002RLR0EY&linkCode=as2&tag=moneyunder30-20
2. Kick Ass floor mats- If your dad has a truck and doesn’t spend 24hrs a day in a sterile computer programming building, he could probably use these. Your young ones can spill a can of Pepsi in his truck, or he can spill a spit bottle on the floor and no worries, your truck interior is safe! http://www.weathertech.com/dodge/2007/ram-truck-2500-3500/floorliner-digitalfit/
3.Cigar cutter – If he likes an occasional stoagy or is like me and would rather smoke cigars than drink water, this lil beauty adds a nice touch. It’s says “I’m formal, but I like to party” http://www.xikar.com/products/cutters/
4.Cigars – While were on cigars, these are an all around good stoagy that won’t break the purse(cause we know the ladies keep the cash close) so try these http://www.cigarsinternational.com/cigars/10618/alec-bradley-american-classic-blend/
5. A Knife – If your guy doesn’t carry a knife with him, he should, they are great for getting little girls hair out of bicycle chains (don’t ask), cutting an apple, cutting a cigar or cutting that piece of crap purse snatcher that may be in your near future. This model is clean to say “hey bitches” I’m a gentleman but it’s sharp enough to change the way they feel about you- http://www.knife-depot.com/knife-318398.html
6.The Gerber – If your “dad” isn’t to be trusted with a “real” knife, then this beauty is a gem. It has a blade but reduces the amount of trips to the emergency room because it has other very useful shit on it as well besides the blade. Good all-around piece of gear – http://www.edcitems.com/cutting-tools/gerbe-600-multi-pliers.html
7. Holster – This is the most comfortable concealed holster I have used and I have tried several. Cool part you can wear this with a collared shirt and no one is the wiser because it’s made to allow you to fold/tuck in the shirt into the holster. Very sneaky. http://crossbreedholsters.com/HotcakesStore/CategoryViewer/tabid/112/slug/iwb-holsters/Default.aspx
8.Colt .45 pistol – Personally, I hope ISIS comes to US military members houses cause it will save me the trip in going to their shit hole country and killing them. I like to carry the Colt .45. However, they are about $1,250 pricey. I also like the Rock Island .45. They are made to the exact specs of a colt 45 and the parts are interchangeable and go for about $300. For about $400 you can pretty much have a Colt 45. http://www.armslist.com/posts/823427/seattle-washington-handguns-for-sale–45-acp-rock-island-armory-1911
9.Cowboy hat- Show me a lady that doesn’t like a good looking guy in a cowboy hat and I’ll show you a damn communist, lol. If I’m not wearing Marine digital camies, I have mine on, I do everything in that hat…..This is a good summer time cowboy hat however, remember, you wear a felt hat after October and a straw hat after Easter, it’s the rules. Don’t be that douch that has a black cowboy hat on is summer, in Texas, everyone will point and laugh - https://www.cavenders.com/western/cowboy-hats/straw-cowboy-hats/resistol-straw-cowboy-hats/RSHAZE3042
10.Bottle opener – The above items a bit too pricey for ya? Ok, here is a cool bottle opener that I guarantee everyone at your party will ask him where he got it. BAM, instant hero. http://realbullet.com/black-engraved-50-cal-bottle-opener?gclid=CIC8g_yAk8YCFQ-SaQodQH0Akw
11.Jack Daniels – Ok, we have already talked about the other food group (cigars) so here is your hydration, engraved Jack Daniels, need I say more? http://spiritedgifts.com/jack-daniels-single-barrel-select-tennessee-whiskey
12.Books – If none of the above doesn’t quite fit your guy, I guess a book is a safe bet and yes, they are better than a tie or finger nail clipper travel kit but hey still don’t build calluses on his hands. First book is called “One Ranger” it’s a kick ass book about Texas Rangers back in the day. The second book that every American should at least read once (besides the Bible) is the "Bible" of the Congressional Medal of Honor. Very humbling. http://www.medalofhonorbook.com/
13.That brings us to lucky 13. I call it “Lucky 13” for a reason. It’s not an item but an idea. Rent you and your hubby a motor home and slip off to some secluded mountain area. Of course do the basic “Fathers Day” stuff with the kids but what says thanks like time with him all to yourself….without kids. Sleeping in, fires at night and well whatever you can think off while the two of you are alone. Nuf said. (guys, this works for Mothers Day as well, but take her to a nice hotel, you will be a Rock Star).
14. Be clean- No I’m not talking about number 13, it’s supposed to be notty. I’m talking about keeping your dad clean after he has changed your oil, alternator or that damn flat tire that has the leak from hell in it. I recommend GOOP hand cleaner http://www.globalindustrial.com/p/foodservice/cleaning-supplies/hand-cleaners/orange-goop-hand-cleaner-with-pumice-14-oz-can?infoParam.campaignId=T9F&gclid=CI-5t_b9ksYCFREoaQodgqMAoA. It can be found at any auto store OR you can get him the Big Ass Bar of soap, really that what it is called- and it works! http://www.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=500181&catid=288335&aid=338666&aparam=500181&kpid=500181&CAWELAID=120142990000032959&CAGPSPN=pla&kpid=500181
15.Get Jacked! – No, I’m not talking about a gym membership. Unless your 22, no dad goes to the Gym and lifts seriously anymore, they are just checking out the gals. To help with rusty car he has, every guy needs a floor jack. I like one that can lift about 3 ton, but a 1 or 2 ton will work nicely as well. Again, check Auto Zone – http://www.harborfreight.com/3-ton-steel-heavy-duty-floor-jack-with-rapid-pump-68048.html
16. Get Fly! – If your hubby/dad likes to fly fish, a cool item is a wooden fly box. They are unique and inexpensive and when he’s on the river and pulls that baby out, his buds will eye it with envy. https://www.etsy.com/listing/181557730/personalized-fly-fishing-box-fathers-day?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=father%20day%20fly%20fishing&ref=sr_gallery_3
17.The Hog! Not so much of number “13” in your life? Really?? Cmon, change that shit up and instead of the one nighter, get your hubby a hog. I recommend this one but honestly, let him pick it out. If he waffles and says “mmm I don’t know honey” fu$k it, go get him the damn nail clipper travel kit & tell him to turn in his damn Man Card. Then, buy the Harley, call me and I’ll be there around 7? http://www.ebay.com/itm/Harley-Davidson-Touring-/291488231702?forcerrptr=true&hash=item43de0d7116&item=291488231702
18. Leather Gloves- Any dad worth his weigh in salt does some hard work. Some, that may have baby soft hands may need a bit of help. That’s were these babies come into help – http://www.ebay.com/itm/like/161673006587?lpid=82&chn=ps
20.Buck Naked!! Duluth Underwear – (Cmon get your mind out of the gutter)….ok don’t. But, you can get him some kick ass underwear. It’s kinda weird I’m typing about dudes underwear but, well hell they are comfortable and hell, take them with you when you do#13!! http://www.duluthtrading.com/store/mens/workwear/buck-naked-underwear/wicking-underwear.aspx?&src=G002099&admkt=&mkwid=s3knF6wpv_dc&pcrid=81167054401&pkw=duluth%20underwear&pmt=e&gclid=CJ3Or6-gk8YCFVM1aQoddW4A_w
#00 The Honorable Mention – If your dad/hubby, spend way too much time watching Grey’s Anatomy, old “friends” re-runs and needs to well let’s say “grow a pair” I got your back. Some of you may not know that in my spare time I raise bucking bulls for the Professional Bull Riders Asoc (PBR). Yup, sure do. In my “spare time” after my “Marine Job” I dig holes with post hole diggers, run barb wire, move bulls & cattle, eat a lot of dirt, sweat a lot, shoot a shit ton of bullets, carry rail road ties (cross fit pussies), jump God knows how many fences, try not to get killed by previously referenced bulls, chase off coyotes, kill a few rattle snakes, try not to get sprayed by skunks, hold sick calves (they are just like big dogs), eat some more dirt, shoot a little more and then begin it all over again after I take off the Marine suit. If you think your hubby/dad needs some harden up time, for a mere $5,000, he can see what Marine’s do, and then I’ll work his ass off for a week. Of course he may come back with a felony, a tattoo and you may get a stripper named “cherry” calling alot but, I had nothing to do with that. Tell him to find his way to me and I’ll make sure he is taken care of. Hell, this could be a new weight loss club….trust me, it will change his life….lol
I hope these subtle ideas help you in your last minute (oh shit it’s Fathers Day) gift hunting. If your hubby/dad’s hands are softer than yours, he doesn’t dip Copenhagen/Redman, smoke cigars or drink Jack, then get him all of them and harden his ass up. We are Americans damn it & it’s about time we act like it! Americans, work hard, party harder, stay up late, drink their ass off, enjoy some tobacco, treat their ladies like Rock Stars then go to work like they got 12 hours of sleep and make work their bitch and repeat cycle.
You guessed it,
Time for a C-Gar!