5 Things You Wish You Could Give Your Mom For Mother’s Day
I used to be adventurous with Mother’s Day gifts. One year I gave
my mom a few strawberry bushes that she could plant in the backyard. It
seemed really sweet until the ensuing rash on her hands made it clear
that she was allergic to strawberries, and the ensuing patch of lifeless
brown dirt made it clear that strawberries don’t grow in Boston in the
I’ve also given her dog-themed books, dog-themed movies, even
dog-themed knee socks, because she has a dog and I am nothing if not
imaginative. Recently though, I have stuck with ol’ reliable: flowers
and chocolate. Because when it comes right down to it, moms loves
flowers and chocolate. Hell, I love flowers and chocolate, because it’s
fun to consider who I’m going to regift the flowers to while I scarf
down handfuls of caramel pecan clusters.
But each year around this time I regret not being able to give mom
something special. Something specific to her, to our relationship,
something that really shows I care.
No matter how close you are to your mother, I expect you feel the
same. Wouldn’t it be nice to give her the thoughtful gift she deserves,
not just the nicest bouquet that ProFlowers offers for more than $20 but
less than $35? Mom wiped your butt, she picked your boogers, she told
you that dog you painted in art class was amazing even though it really
just looked like a rock having a seizure. She deserves more than a gift,
your mom has earned an experience.
Here are 5 things your mom deserves this Mother’s Day, if only you could give them….
A Night Out Dancing: Moms love to dance. They all
have their own moves, for some it’s a serious, Elaine Benes-esque
full-body shake, for others it’s a delicate hokey-pokey trot. But
somehow moms always perfectly in rhythm, and having the time of their
lives. My Mom loves dancing so much that she offered to fly across
country so we could take dance lessons together to prepare for an
upcoming wedding. I said no, because, I mean, COME ON, but still–that’s a
lady who likes to get down. If you could confidently and happily give
your Mom one night out boogying, then you’d probably be the best child
ever. And a far better one than me.
The Ability to Forget That Sex Thing She Saw You Do:
“Well, it’s a surprisingly warm afternoon…” my Mom thought as she
walked out to our little backyard pool. “I’ve gotten off work early, so
maybe I’ll take a little swim. The kids won’t be expected me home, but
no matter, I’m sure they’re doing their homework like the responsible
children they are.” And then she opened opened the gate to the pool… and
saw me doing horrible things with Katey Gates who lived next door. We
were in the shallow end, and truth be told, some of the horrible things
were underwater things. Thank God mom turned and walked immediately back
inside. But still, the damage was done. We all have our Katey Gates
that mom has caught us with, and all of our moms have regretted every
second. Although for your sake, I hope your Katey Gates didn’t have
braces. My lips still hurt 20 years. This May, Mom, I’d love to give you
the ability to forget. And, while we’re at it, my mouth the ability to
The Ability to Forget That Puke Thing She Saw You Do:
It’s a special night the first time you drunkenly throw up in the same
bathroom you used as a child. You remember all the times little you had
the flu, or ate too many brownies, or were nervous about the first day
of school, and how it made you sick then too. And your little tummy lost
its sweet little contents, and how darling that is in comparison to the
margarita and chili fries barf you are currently producing after a
night out with old high school pals. And no matter how hard you tried to
clean up, there was always a spot left somewhere for mom to discover
the next morning. Because you are you, and she is mom. We wish we could
take that back this mother’s day, because once you pass 18, parents
should never have to deal with our vomit again. Sorry, Mom!
Home-Cooked Anything: She cooked for you so many
times. Frequently you said you didn’t like her food, and far less
frequently, you actually said “thanks.” Isn’t it time we little piggies
return the favor? It makes them so happy. I made my mom microwave
popcorn a few months ago and she’s still talking about how great it was.
And truth be told, I kinda burned the crap out of it. This Mother’s Day
I wish we could cook for our moms and give them full liberty to tell us
how crappy it is, or not thank us if it’s delicious. Fair is fair.
A Nice Hug: Seriously. That’s all they really want.
It’s impossible because you probably don’t live in the same city
anymore, but come on. Wouldn’t it be great to send your mom a thank you
hug? If ProFlowers offered hugs, I’d be willing to go all the way to