Those out there that have daughters can relate. Marine Dads out there who have daughters could have wrote this……..because its true.

1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me or matter in fact at all. She is trained in solid grappling blood choking techniques. A straight arm is a broken arm.   You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.   If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 3.   I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.   Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.   Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.   However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 4.   I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.   Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 5.    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.   Please do not do this.   The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

 6.    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.   This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.   Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 7.    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.   If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.   My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.   Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.   Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.   Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay.   Old folks homes are even better.

9.  Do not lie to me.   I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.   But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.   If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. There is a GPS in your trunk and I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.   Do not trifle with me.


10.   Be afraid.   Be very afraid.   It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.   When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.   As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.   Speak the perimeter password: announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside.   The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

 Time for a CGar!



  1. You know what they say about children:
    If you have a son, you only have to worry about one penis. But if you have a daughter, you have to worry about ALLthe penises (penii?).

  2. Had a boy show up to take my daughter out for a date. When he got out of the car, I saw that he didn’t have a shirt on. I meet him at the door, and told him to turn around, get back in his car and drive away. I also told him that he could come back in ten minutes or so, and if he didn’t have a shirt on, that would be okay, it would make it easier for the EMS folks to count the holes that would be in his chest. Let’s just say that he was properly clothed, and he was very respectful up until the time that my daughter figured out what an ass he was. Semper Fi.

  3. What a great article. I don’t have any daughters, but if I did, I would follow the advice in this great post to the tee.
    Daughters are so precious, especially to their daddies.
    By the way, you have a great blog here.

  4. Right on!! I trully pity the boy’s that my daughter’s date. I know me, I’ll have them boy’s standing at attention and inspection ready! This daddy don’t take anything less than excellence!!!!! Semper Fidelis!

  5. I havent read that in a long time and i only wish i had a dad to make better choices for men i have bad ideals of how to let them treat me which is usually shitty

  6. I havent read that in a long time and i only wish i had a dad to make better choices for men i have bad ideals of how to let them treat me which is usually shitty

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