Ways to keep both fronts happy

As you battle the daily contingencies while being deployed, not much sleep, sharing the heads with 100 of your closest buds, and dinning in the swahut of food, you still have to balance that juggling act back home.

Although you miss birthdays, wedding anniversary’s and moments that will never be brought back except for pictures and stories from you kids you know your mission deployed is important and so does your spouse. However, without divulging all the Op Sec in the world, your spouse doesn’t really “get” what you’re doing, and if they do, you probably peaked over the Op Sec rules. So you try to tell and explain to them all the little corks about being deployed, the funny stories of people getting locked in the port a johns, sun crazy dogs chasing you as you try to PT, having all sorts of bugs crawl up you leg at night and finding dirt in every crease of your body, good times!!  You try to minimize the bad because, well they are bad and you don’t need to stress out the home front when there isn’t anything they can do about it anyway.

You have to be creative. Before you deploy, write down the important dates (mainly for the deployed men, cause wimins are way ahead of us on this fellas) and have a plan to celebrate them, even if it’s only with a phone call from you. There were plenty of special dates that I celebrated with a remote phone call to that special loved one and that was that. I was lucky to do that at times.  But, when you can I have found that giving someone you trust back in the states, envelopes with dates on them. One date is a week before the wife’s b-day. Your friend opens it and it has instructions in it and cash to order flowers, a dinner certificate or a confirmation slip to get one of those smelly girlie manicure things that smelly wimins like….sheesh.

Anyway you get the jest of it. Trust me gents this can be done during half time of a foot ball game (unless Jessica Simpson is performing, then all bets are off) and it will make you a super star. I had to go to plan “B” and call a certain manicure/massage/smelly girlie salon pot puri sneezing place from


.  Urgh, (yes, Id rather be tortured with bamboo strips under the finger nails but I had to make the call) the lady on the other end of the phone was helpful, got me all set up after I explained what it was for and where I was calling from (middle of the night standing like a big target in the desert) and then I was disconnected. Called back, got a different receptionist, started over, went through it all again with the static phone……….got disconnected again due to the high blowing winds on the satellite connection. A few deep breaths………whostafsa, whoooostafa (Anger management) and made the call again.  This time although I could still almost smell the burning candles and pot puri crap. They were able to help me quickly before I got cut off again. Booya, set for another year.

It ended up being a success and a good tactic from a deployed service members stand point. I thought well, I think I will attend my own spa here in


. I peeled off the smelly socks that would make any Rottweiler cry like a puppy off my stanky hoofs and watched the small animals scurry from the area,(One Marine fainted, no shit) and threw my clothes that probably should have been burnt into a trash can to wash in later. Took a nice 120 degree heated bottle of water and poured it on my feet and as the Chenoble temperature water scorched the fungi in between my toes I imagined my self in that pot puri filled salon, began to sneeze as a dust devil about blew me over. I tell ya if it weren’t for the diesel fuel exhaust from the local generator or the stank of the dead rodent under our hooch, I could have believed I was really in one of those $100 saloons.

Lighting up a big stoag and cranking up some tunes on the MP3 player the sun continued to kill off the toxins on my hoofs and air reached places that hadn’t felt it in days. It’s all in perspective I spose.  Why have to go make a reservation, go sneeze your head off  in some fufu office and all, when you can sit in the middle of the desert surrounded by a couple hundred of your Haji locals, remained armed to the teeth, smoke a big cigar and air the dogs out?  Perhaps I can incorporate this into the Hadees weight loss club, it will have a “hoofs” department where guys can go get treated like kings, smoke cigars with the game on the TV, velvet pictures of Elvis on the wall and an occasional not so far off shout of “Cold beer here” from “female college interns”. Playboys on the counter top and a friendly bookie that cuts hair while you wait. If I can only figure how to factor in a nice Steak served with all the fixings it will be perfect……….Ya, that sounds good.

Sandstorm from hell & my email is in the shitter so I will respond when I can. Launching the currier pigeon as we speak………


  1. Being able to implement that plan while out in the desert fighting and kicking butt-well, that makes you THE MAN in my book! Have you ever considered starting a side business for the relationship-impaired over there? 🙂 I bet you’d make a fortune!

  2. Thanks for the Friday afternoon hilarity! I do agree with Kelli – you ought to start a little business for those who need to woo their women from afar.

  3. And I could only post free mail from that firebase next to the airstrip and dirt road that the Monsoon closed down until we started eating the canned lima beans cause that was all that was left. Still, I like the Hadees weight loss club – but my wife would talk to me about the female college interns – only Presidents can get away with that… be cool.

  4. And I could only post free mail from that firebase next to the airstrip and dirt road that the Monsoon closed down until we started eating the canned lima beans cause that was all that was left. Still, I like the Hadees weight loss club – but my wife would talk to me about the female college interns – only Presidents can get away with that… be cool.

  5. This Marine Mom still tears up over the Mother’s Day call from the forward bow of a ship using a satellite phone (I think that’s what he used)when Marine #1 was headed to Iraq on a MEU.
    Thank you for all you do…and all you miss…so we can do what we do here in safety.
    Marine #2 leaves tomorrow; pre-deployment leave is over; it doesn’t get any easier.
    God bless you all. No matter what, come home honorably.

  6. Tomorrow afternoon, as I sit relaxing in the massage chair, while the nail tech busily works on my feet, I will remember this post.
    And then I’ll have to explain that the reason I’m busting a gut laughing has nothing to do with ticklish feet, but rather a Marine’s stinky, rotten feet and a ceeegar in Iraq.

  7. Having put Mr. Wonderful on a plane to go back for the “remainder of his time”, I ache, I whine, I cry, I scream outloud in the car on the way home from the airport.
    Get all the drama out of my system (all in the car on the way home, not there in front of him), and then I start the list over again in my head of everything he doesn’t have and the little bits I know of what he’s going thru. And then I can be a little calmer. And start back on my life without him.

  8. And, I’m sorry, got feeling sorry for myself and didn’t finish.
    How he does it, I’m never really sure, but he’ll send me something small. And, of course, the e-mails are always wonderful, but the letter he writes means everything. Even the post cards are fabulous to find in the mail box.
    Makes me happy!!

  9. great idea with the envelopes…
    Maybe you could get together with the Green Bean coffee dude and come up with a one stop “oasis” for those with green feet….

  10. Great ideas! Maybe this should be part of pre-deployment work-ups.
    Hey, there is a new thing here in the DC area – – pedicure done by doctor fish. Yes, you stick your feet in a tub of warm water and they dump all these goldfish sized doctor fish in and they eat the dead skin off your feet. Any bugs out there that would do that? sans water?

  11. At least you haven’t lost your great sense of humour Major. It’s amazing what you guys can accomplish electronically for your families.
    Kath, hang in their honey, and it’s OK to scream sometimes. You’ve earned that right!

  12. Hoof’s Dept….
    Take care of the dogs Major. And, I am very impressed at your persistence. Hope your wife enjoys her gift!

  13. She knows you love her —
    sounds beautiful. Savor memories, and wait — I have had too. Of course it was harder on him than I — and he is gone now.
    I have the pictures, I still feel like he walks around me. He’s the wind, he is that cold shudder I can get. That touch in the middle of the night that suddenly awakens me.
    He went like a true warrior.
    Don’t let go of love == I wasn’t referring to you, just talking to myself again. oops….
    You have got some of the finest music on this site. yep!
    Stay safe hero… God put angels at your back.

  14. OK, it’s official. I am now TOTALLY in favor of cloning. I want my own Major P!
    I always love your sense of humor and NEVER tire of your love and committment to both your family, the Marines and our great nation.

  15. Dear Major Pain,
    First of all thank you sir for all of your personal sacrifices that you make everyday for this nation. I think that all of that planning that you do for your wife is totally amazing. I do hope your wife knows what an accomplishment that really is to pull off. I just about cried when I read how you kept getting cut off just trying to make a phone call on her behalf! We are definitely in an age when we expect our technology to be there regardless of where we are in life. I remember hiking in the Smoky Moutains and thinking well who do you call for help out here when someone gets hurt?! NO ONE! It is all up to you to get up and get out of there for help. It is definitely a mindset you must prepare for before one ever leaves the creature comforts we all know to well. Thank you for your service and for being an amazing warrior!
    Semper Fi

  16. It was so strange so long ago when I saw the name Major Pain in the our newspaper.
    I have thought about you often since that day. I’ll be so glad when you are home.
    Don’t get hurt I’m just counting the days with your wife.

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