Gang-
First and most important, thank all of you for our support. Mail has been hit or miss with air delivery but hey, some is better than none. Don’t be discouraged, it will all get here eventually (2 days before I go home…kidding).  We have been making a nice meal out of the care package we do get. Our diets of Doritos, trail mix and open cans of chief boy R Dee are pretty good when you’re hungry, heat not required, you have the almighty sun two inches away from you blaring in your face (it was only 117 today). I’ve lost 30 pounds as none of my clothes fit anymore. GRAND…..not. Trying to pack on the calories, I’ve resorted to full on attack diet of MREs. You supposable get around 2000 calories from each of these things but its all in the delivery of the meal. Hey, don’t knock it until you try it, or are so freaking hungry you can eat a dead cat in the road…….here kitty. 

It was a tough decision today as I looked into the dirt filled leftovers in the cardboard MRE box, chicken vegetables and noodles in some kind of really funky smelling sauce with mushrooms, or the ever not so favorite Cajun meat (do they want me to explode?) or Jambalaya…….yes the stuff with seafood…….in a bag……for a year or so. OK, looks like its chicken and veggies.

As the chicken heated up in the almighty chemical heater pouch that took off a layer of skin it was so hot, I inhaled a small bag of pretzels. Tasty I thought then thought Damn! Should have washed my hands, as the post thought goes through my head after I’ve shook about 30 Iraqis hands recently.  Grab the cracker packet that came in the pouch of chow and pummeled them into crumbs “BAM”, this is key to be mixed with the chicken and then finally mash the cheese spread packet “BAM” because everyone knows you can choke down anything with cheese on it………and maybe ketchup, salt, pepper……oh anyway its all good.   So now everything is in place as you cut the envelope holding the hotter than sun chicken and smell the omniscient fresh chicken smell fill the room.  That’s not chicken I smell though as the Marine in the next room just did a “crop dusting” butt gassing.  For the love of God man, did he crap himself? Take that outside and burn your clothes and bleach your body over and over until that dead animal smell goes away.  This is the part where the women really love us fellas! Boooya!

Crackers smashed and poured into chicken”BAM”, eyes still burning a bit from recent gas attack but no need for gas mask just yet as I tell my self “I’m tuff, I can take it” in a high pitched voice. More like I can taste it. Gag, puke.  Wait, I can’t find my dang spoon now. No, its not because of the continuous eye watering, I have misplaced it.  Never leave your spoon around while eating, often you best buddy while accidently pick it up (because he lost his) or you may set it in mice poo or something (never good). This is bad, no spoon means I have to eat this like a dog eating food out of a bowl, yes I’ve done it, no I’m not proud of it but will do it again. Wait found it; it was in my pocket, swhoo. Chemicals now continue to rise out of the MRE heater pouch combined with recent gas attack, we might have a problem. First bite is little off, perhaps dumping the small bag of highly melted M&Ms into it will be the trick, nope that didn’t work well and now the heat has caused a very bad looking chicken to turn worse with cheese, crackers and yet M&M syrup sprinkled on it. To bad, its “what’s for dinner” as the commercial says. Second bite is delayed due to the two fly’s that thought they rated the chow more than me as they did a drive by spoon pooping on the bite. Death to all flys, I say to myself. YUM.

The meal has now hit my stomach and began its 3x expansion in size completely attracting all water out of other parts of my body. Why does my head hurt? Wipe hands off with sanitize napkin next to the quarter size “toilet paper” pkg which is only enough TP to really see a grown man make a complete mess of himself. Begin to pick up the several shredded empty envelopes of chow that will most likely stick to your butt if you don’t pick them up. Not a real symbol of authority (insert visual here). Stuff everything back into the jumbo bullet stopping plastic bag this heart attack meal came in and encourage with a manly size 12 foot to flatten …..again “BAM”.  Tell your kids to eat their dinner tonight or they get “what’s for dinner” from Maj Pain. Thanks again for the support and chow. BAM!

Comments

  1. Well, my little future Marine (and trust me, he can go in NO other branch cuz 1–he likes the boobies and 2–he is hardheaded beyond BELIEF) is having Pokemon mac & cheese. I’ll tell him to be grateful.

  2. Mjr Pain —
    Oh hell why does your ‘what’s for dinner’ sound better then what i decided to put into my mouth a few minutes ago.
    Just Damn, I guess that’s what i get for cleaning out the frig tonight. After eating some decided the garbage disposal was hungier than I was.
    YEEE-UCH-HEEE.

  3. So thankfull for my dried out tuna casserole which I ate sitting next to my loved one in our air conditioned fly free home…thank you guys for all the crapola you go through so we don’t have to…you guys are the best!….

  4. I must say, I laughed and laughed while reading this – – especially hard regarding the “gas attack” – – he must have eaten one of the cajun MREs.
    I’ve actually done the “Ranger” seal of approval on stuff I’ve sent in care packages. FYI, Ranger is my cat. I once had things laying out for a package – – when I got home the boxed Chicken Alfredo dinners were ripped apart, nooddles, powdered sauce and dehydrated chicken chunks were spread over my living room floor. Yep, Ranger really liked the Alfredo stuff. When I bought replacements, he climbed in the box and took them out. So I told my friends they must be good if Ranger would eat it. I let Ranger sniff the food I’m getting ready to send off — if he tries burying it like his poop in his litter — it doesn’t go. If he tries to walk off with it – – it gets sent.

  5. Marines version of Jenny Craig? Eeegads Major. I feel guilty laughing, but that picture..  Take care. Hope my package gets there soon. At least a few calories included!

  6. I just discovered your sight and laughed so hard I thought I was going to fall out of my chair!! As someone who has eaten MREs, I do get it! Thank you for all you do for each and everyone of us. I am cross-posting your article today on my own blog. I think my audience will love it as much as I did.

  7. hehe, nice post Maj P.
    At our CAP Squadron building we have a ton of old MREs that are outdated (due dates? you gotta be kidding me!), so we always joke around saying that we’re gonna have a MRE banquet some night in our mess dress. Nobody knows what they’re there for, nobody knows how long they’ve been there, or who put them there. It’s an old Navy building, so I wouldn’t doubt they’ve been there as long as the foundations. 🙂 Seems to me that cat would be a nice change after them cajun meat eaters keep raging biological warfare on their fellow Marines day in and day out. 🙂
    Cat- no, not the edible one… 😛

  8. Great picture Major, but be careful- that “gas attack” may be from the imitation critters in the jambalaya- they give a new meaning to “silent but deadly”. Having sampled MRE’s in the post Katrina world of S.E.La. (add no A.C., 100% humidity and FEMA [grrrrrrh!] to the equation) I can relate to that “eye watering” experience. Our boys do bombs “real good”.
    Humm.. maybe a nice “cajun meat/jambalaya” gift bag too Nancy P or the “Ole Blitzer”- I’m sure one of my relatives has a few of these little jewels thats been locked up in their shed in this wonderful South La. climate- hey let’s talk about chemical warfare… cajun-style that is.
    But seriously from a true cajun, it may have been said before, but thank you for what you and your guys are doing. You are the best.
    Stay safe.

  9. Hey Bud. Gosh it’s always good to “hear” from you. And I did notice in the last photo that you looked WAY TOO THIN! Hope my packages are arriving. Guess I should have ordered fewer CEEGARS and sent more carbs. Lesson for next time.
    Hugs and best to you and all your Marines. You know how much we all luv you guys.

  10. Hang tough Major. Better times and meals are on the horizon. I wish you all good things to come and may you enjoy a reunion 44 years from now just as we had last week in Memphis with officers and troops from VMF(AW)323 circa 61-64. Semper Fi.
    Cpl. G. L. Thompson 1959543
    USMC (1961-65)

  11. Every week, I shop for the troops for our local VFW Post. I always make sure to include five bottles of tobasco sauce in each load. Also, 20 cans of sardines (water, oil, mustard and soy sauce) for a different mealtime taste.
    Nine years in the infantry made me appreciate the need for salt, pepper, garlic salt, onion salt and tabasco sauce in the field. I hope that most package senders remember to include condiments in their packages.
    One day, when I feel lucky, I will try a MRE just to compare it with C-rats.
    In the meantime, I will toast you with a glass of Dry Sack (chilled) with accompanying fruit and cheese.

  12. Hi MAJ, Why the Heck doesn’t the Military just use a good “Chief Boy R Dee” Canned Food Company to produce the MRE’S ????
    Instead of sending CheerLeaders over there for our Guy’s serving, They should send over some Good Chief’s with Good Food for You All!
    You All are in Our Thoughts Daily.

  13. Man, you are so descriptive! You make me feel like I’m there. My heart is anyway. Any special requests?????? I’ll do my damndest to get it to you!!!!!!

  14. Some stuff going out to you as we speak here but I only hope it was calorie laden !!! Can’t recall all that I sent out but it was a few boxes….from now on, all food for you in future packages !! Any requests????

  15. Hi Major,
    Hope you are well. I went to the Health Food Store and bought you guys some organic foods so you all can have something nutritious. I sent it June 28 so hopefully you will be receiving the package soon.
    Take care and God Bless Lisa

  16. (to be read with a very southern accent, like kira sedgewick in the closer)
    Since this post has moved down and no one will read it most likely and this IS the 4th of July for us being kept safe here in the US of A by you wonderful boys in uniform over there, I’ll post what we are having today for Suppah. (Did I mention I had started my 3rd glass of Guwerstraminer? I know I am a light weight but I can go for a long time before I hit the next level 😛 )
    I firmly believe that no chef is worth his or her salt without a glass of wine in one hand or at least under the counter!
    Today we are having ribs. Now I am not going to tell you I have this great recipe for sauce and no one can beat it…the heck with it I use Jack Daniels sauce, two kinds one for each rack.
    I know I need to pre cook these bad boys before my loving husband puts them on the grill. (I almost always cook them too long and they are falling apart before this point.) Today I cooked them just under 2 hours. But they were stacked on top of each other so I thought…anyhow it turned out ok.
    I did however make my own rub to use in the pre baking stage and the ingredients are…Lets see…well if I tell you that it will be wrong cuz I really don’t remember what I put in there and as I recall it seemed like it might be a little strange. Allspice was involved and of course craboil of two varieties and DARK brown sugar as we here in the south firmly believe in goodness of darkness when cooking. I wrapped them up and went outside to enjoy a little of my day sans the glass. I do have a 5 year old boy. Dont’ want to parade Mommy around with a glass of wine. Let the boy just guess why Mommy is stumbling later.
    I love to make potatoe (I prefer Dan’s spelling)salad with little red & white potatoes and if I have made a trip to the farmer’s market in Atlanta I use the blue variety also it makes for such a pretty presentation. I love to use garlic pickles and finely chopped green onion and of course Mayonaise with various other spices and flavors which you would certainly have to taste to believe! My husband likes baked beans which I ma happy to oblige with the seasoning from my pre baked ribs and well a little more southern goodness.
    I like a BIG salas with very green lettuce and fresh ranch dressing, not from the bottle; my grandy spoiled me like that.
    If I have them I use Georgia grown back yard tomatoes otherwise I use the kind you find on the stem as they still have the strong smell of the vine on them.
    I make home made croutons with olive oil and fresh basil I grown in my herb garden. Did I mention that my ribs are prebaked with some stalks of the sage grown i my gardne also?
    I like brocolli on the stalk with cheese sauce dripping off of it, like my two kids. We do a tantalizing casserole at Christmas and Thanksgiving but for the 4th we just do it plain with lots of cheese and butter.
    I am doing steaks also. Just fired on the grill without any adulteration. New York strips. Oh dang I have to go sit second chair with my hubby…more later…

  17. What a great article, my name is David, I bet I’m not alone in thinking that this blog is amazing, I love reading, I love to come home and have the chance to read an article that I seem appealing, and in this case this blog was the best, congratulations, I hope you keep writing more.

Leave a Reply