First and most important, thank all of you for our support. Mail has been hit or miss with air delivery but hey, some is better than none. Don’t be discouraged, it will all get here eventually (2 days before I go home…kidding). We have been making a nice meal out of the care package we do get. Our diets of Doritos, trail mix and open cans of chief boy R Dee are pretty good when you’re hungry, heat not required, you have the almighty sun two inches away from you blaring in your face (it was only 117 today). I’ve lost 30 pounds as none of my clothes fit anymore. GRAND…..not. Trying to pack on the calories, I’ve resorted to full on attack diet of MREs. You supposable get around 2000 calories from each of these things but its all in the delivery of the meal. Hey, don’t knock it until you try it, or are so freaking hungry you can eat a dead cat in the road…….here kitty.
It was a tough decision today as I looked into the dirt filled leftovers in the cardboard MRE box, chicken vegetables and noodles in some kind of really funky smelling sauce with mushrooms, or the ever not so favorite Cajun meat (do they want me to explode?) or Jambalaya…….yes the stuff with seafood…….in a bag……for a year or so. OK, looks like its chicken and veggies.
As the chicken heated up in the almighty chemical heater pouch that took off a layer of skin it was so hot, I inhaled a small bag of pretzels. Tasty I thought then thought Damn! Should have washed my hands, as the post thought goes through my head after I’ve shook about 30 Iraqis hands recently. Grab the cracker packet that came in the pouch of chow and pummeled them into crumbs “BAM”, this is key to be mixed with the chicken and then finally mash the cheese spread packet “BAM” because everyone knows you can choke down anything with cheese on it………and maybe ketchup, salt, pepper……oh anyway its all good. So now everything is in place as you cut the envelope holding the hotter than sun chicken and smell the omniscient fresh chicken smell fill the room. That’s not chicken I smell though as the Marine in the next room just did a “crop dusting” butt gassing. For the love of God man, did he crap himself? Take that outside and burn your clothes and bleach your body over and over until that dead animal smell goes away. This is the part where the women really love us fellas! Boooya!
Crackers smashed and poured into chicken”BAM”, eyes still burning a bit from recent gas attack but no need for gas mask just yet as I tell my self “I’m tuff, I can take it” in a high pitched voice. More like I can taste it. Gag, puke. Wait, I can’t find my dang spoon now. No, its not because of the continuous eye watering, I have misplaced it. Never leave your spoon around while eating, often you best buddy while accidently pick it up (because he lost his) or you may set it in mice poo or something (never good). This is bad, no spoon means I have to eat this like a dog eating food out of a bowl, yes I’ve done it, no I’m not proud of it but will do it again. Wait found it; it was in my pocket, swhoo. Chemicals now continue to rise out of the MRE heater pouch combined with recent gas attack, we might have a problem. First bite is little off, perhaps dumping the small bag of highly melted M&Ms into it will be the trick, nope that didn’t work well and now the heat has caused a very bad looking chicken to turn worse with cheese, crackers and yet M&M syrup sprinkled on it. To bad, its “what’s for dinner” as the commercial says. Second bite is delayed due to the two fly’s that thought they rated the chow more than me as they did a drive by spoon pooping on the bite. Death to all flys, I say to myself. YUM.
The meal has now hit my stomach and began its 3x expansion in size completely attracting all water out of other parts of my body. Why does my head hurt? Wipe hands off with sanitize napkin next to the quarter size “toilet paper” pkg which is only enough TP to really see a grown man make a complete mess of himself. Begin to pick up the several shredded empty envelopes of chow that will most likely stick to your butt if you don’t pick them up. Not a real symbol of authority (insert visual here). Stuff everything back into the jumbo bullet stopping plastic bag this heart attack meal came in and encourage with a manly size 12 foot to flatten …..again “BAM”. Tell your kids to eat their dinner tonight or they get “what’s for dinner” from Maj Pain. Thanks again for the support and chow. BAM!